Sunday, September 02, 2007

CherkyB continues to live

Many of you have been asking about the results of my recent physical, and for some of you it's because you actually care, whereas the rest of you have merely a morbid curiosity or are worried who will take care of your daughter if I'm dead, or some such. So, let me quote my inimitable doctor: "There are things that we can do that will delay your heart attack and stroke."

His point, however, was that if you live long enough, you'll die from either a heart attack or stroke. Not that I'm headed for one any time soon.

I always thought if you lived long enough, you'd die from prostate cancer. If you're not a woman, that is.

So, now that I've had my first physical in 22 years, I can reflect on why it is that I haven't had one in so long. Let me count the ways.
  1. I really do not enjoy having someone lean on my liver while I take a deep breath.
  2. See number 1, only substitute "spleen" for liver.
  3. "You drink alcohol?" "Uh-yup." "Like 1-2 drinks a day." "Yeah. Around that on average, maybe." "How about 0-2 drinks a day? Are there ever days when you don't drink?" "Fuck you."
  4. "See, now your testicles start out up inside you around here, and right about the time you're born they travel down these tubes, and if the tubes don't seal up afterwards, that's why you get a hernia. The tube is right here." "Owwww!" "Sorry. Now bear down like you're going to move your bowels, only don't." "Uh, owwww."
  5. "Now, normally we wait until you're 40 to do this, but you're close enough to 40." "I just turned 39 a couple weeks ago!" "Close enough. Elbows on the table, please."
In the end, he didn't find anything wrong with me that I didn't already know about. Thus I would overall deem the physical a success. They're gonna call me with my blood test results this week. I passed the pee test already, and he gave me an EKG that was normal. I have not yet submitted my poop sample cuz the envelope requires extra postage.


ellie said...

you put the poop sample in the mail? i wanna hurl

ellie said...

I didn't realize there were so many anti 12-step movements out there. Your google adsense lately is a real trip!

fat moother said...

Glad to hear everything is OK