They're Not All Winners 3

Given that it has been 6 months since the last installment, one can't help but notice that, while they may not all be winners, damn close to all of them are. Oh, the quality of entertainment delivered by Me, CherkyB is absolutely top notch. I'm like Top Gear, only without the need for a continuous stream of automobile props. Or the need for two sidekicks. And not British.

OK, nothing like Top Gear, but top notch nonetheless.

So last night was an action-packed night, being Friday and all. First, upon returning home from work, I realized I had forgotten to pick up HannahC from gymnastics because she changes her schedule every week, and I had thought this Friday she wasn't there. Not to worry - I had plenty of time. I rushed back to get her and had to stand around for 15 minutes while she puddled around in the locker room jibber-jabbering with her friends.

Then, upon returning home a second time, I immediately set forth trying to clean up the breakfast and lunch dishes enough to have room to serve dinner. See, The Mrs. likes every meal to require at least two different size plates and/or bowls per person, and then a serving plate or bowl (along with a serving spoon or tongs) for each and every dish, plus at least one, preferably more food prep items. Thus, for example, a simple breakfast of pancakes for three (I don't normally eat breakfast, instead using the time to sleep in before leaving for work) will create the following carnage:

• One mixing bowl
• One measuring cup to measure the powdered mix
• A different measuring cup to measure the water
• Two beaters from the electric mixer
• A spatula to scrape the sides of the mixing bowl when mixing
• A different spatula to control the pour when pouring the batter into the pan
• A frying pan that will not be dishwasher safe
• A spatula to turn over the pancakes
• A second non-dishwasher safe pan to fry the sausage links
• A different spatula to roll the links so they cook on all sides
• A splatter screen to keep the sausages from splattering hot grease
  
• A colander in which to wash the grapes
• A bowl in which to serve the grapes
• A bowl for each child so that they can put grapes in there and not keep sticking their fingers in the main serving bowl
• A plate on which to serve the pancakes
• A big fork to move pancakes from serving plate to eating plate
• A plate on which to serve the sausage links
• A set of tongs to get sausage links from the plate
• A plate to put the butter on
• A butter knife
• Three forks
• Two knives, one for each child
• A third knife because HannahC didn't like the original one cuz it was not a steak knife
• Three juice glasses
• A coffee mug
• A milk cup because MaxieC decided he wanted milk instead of juice after the juice was poured
  

Now, if it is a good day, the non-consumed food on The Childrens' plates will be dumped into the sink in the general vicinity of the disposal. The disposal will not be run. Then some dishes will be piled up in the sink on top of the pile of food, and the napkins will be placed in the syrup on each plate, and then the plates stacked upon one another so that the napkins can properly fuse to the plates before I get home.

If it is a bad day, everything will simply be left on the kitchen table, pushed into my spot (since I'm at work and thus not using my spot) when it comes time to make lunch (with an equivalent use of dishes).

Yesterday was apparently a good day.

Now, the prior night I had noted how the entire house was a wreck and that The Fambly should plan on spending some time cleaning up while I was work. The Mrs. informed me that she had never "signed up" to clean or cook or do dishes. All she had "signed up" for was to raise The Childrens. I noted that the only thing I had signed up for was to earn the money, and I also noted that the only way I could detect what she did all day while I was gone was to log into the credit card website and watch the numbers spin by on balance.

So that pretty much guaranteed that the first thing I would have to do upon returning home was the dishes. It was a nice added touch that the groceries from the trip to the supermarket two days ago were still all lined up in bags in the hallway, and The Mrs. was complaining that the back of the van was filled with more from a trip to Sam's Club yesterday but that she didn't have anywhere to pile them. She did "try" to find all the perishables and get them into the refrigerator or freezer, though. She did not have confidence in complete success on that.

After eating dinner (a dinner of guacamole and Tostitos Hint of Lime tortilla chips), it was announced that it was hot tub time. So we hit the tub for a while - at first just The Childrens and I, with The Mrs. joining us a bit later. Afterwards, they all just went inside, leaving me to put in the chemicals, close the lid, and collect the empties. It was about 41 degrees out.

This finally brings us to the topic of the post. Upon returning inside, The Mrs. and I were changing out of our bathing suits when the following transpired:

The Mrs.: "So..."

Me, CherkyB: "What?"

The Mrs.: "No. I'm not going to say it. You'll just get mad."

Me, CherkyB: "Well, now I'm going to get mad either way, so you might as well just say it."

The Mrs.: "So...was it cold outside?"

Me, CherkyB: "I dunno. Did the earth suddenly develop more mass?"

They're not all winners.

They're Not All Winners 2

Sometimes I am inspired while mowing the lawn. Sometimes not so much. A couple weeks ago, I was thinking about Chinese yo-yo's, because the kids had gotten some at some party. Not the real kind, but the stupid paper roll kind. It got me to thinking of all the stupid things we call "Chinese." Like the Chinese fire drill and Chinese handcuffs. And, oddly enough, this got me to thinking of Carl, Jr., which then inspired me to make up a new joke.

Now, I'm going to apologize to Carl ahead of time in that him being the inspiration of this is maybe not the most flattering thing that could happen. But he'll understand it when he reads it.

I kept this to myself, thinking it maybe needed development or really just the perfect setup in order to deliver. You know how I am a stickler for timing. Well, tonight I could wait no longer. We had trick-or-treating at The Company today, and The Mrs. was talking about how all the Chinese yo-yo's we had in the treat box were gone when we got back to my cube (we set the treat box out for people to help themselves as we took The Childrens around the trick-or-treating, so this is seen as a sign that they were popular). Hearing her say Chinese yo-yo made me think of the joke.

Sadly, it fell completely flat. Probably cuz I completely f'd up the delivery. But also possibly cuz she doesn't hang with Carl all the time like I do.

Do you know how to make a Chinese jail cell?

You take a guy to Walmart, draw a chalk box around him on the floor, and say, "If you stay in this box for a year, everything in the store is half off."

They're not all winners.

They're Not All Winners 1

OK, folks. I've decided to introduce a new, recurring installment here that I have called, "They're Not All Winners." Allow me to explain:

As you all know by now, I am a remarkably funny individual. My gift for humor knows virtually no bounds. However, it does in fact know some bounds. I am, after all, merely a human like everyone else, albeit substantially better in most respects.

This feature will document those things that seemed like they'd be funny right up until I said them, and then they just didn't really deliver. I don't expect this to be a very frequently recurring feature because, while they may not all be winners, a man of my talent delivers primarily winners. Plus, how many posts that say, "It was like prom night all over again," do you actually need?

So here you go. Episode one. Save it, it'll be a collector's item some day.

It's garbage night tonight, so I was emptying the garbages throughout the house. I was holding the garbage bag from the laundry room (a bag that is transparent plastic), tying a knot at the top, when MaxieC pointed to it:

MaxieC: "It's not empty!"

Me, CherkyB: "It's not supposed to be empty. That's why I'm taking it out."

The Mrs.: "No. He meant the potato chip bag."

Me, CherkyB: [noticing potato chip bag in the garbage bag] "Oh. It's empty. It just doesn't look empty because Momma filled it with tampons."