Friday, April 06, 2007

A Swing and a Miss

Yesterday, Cavitation graced us (Bozzetto and Me, CherkyB) with his presence for lunch. I believe it is the first time since I've lived here that that has happened. He normally runs home at lunch time. I don't know what goes on there, but he always comes back tired and cranky.

Anyways, Bozzetto managed to convince Cavitation to come along by letting Cavitation choose the venue.

He chose Hooters.

So whatever kinda lunch it is he goes home for nearly every day, I can only conclude it is better at Hooters.

Now, the Fort TomCollins Hooters up by the university is now closed, so your only choice is the newer one right off the highway in Loverlyland (just two exits south of work). Imagine that, a tiny little town like Fort TomCollins used to have two Hooterses. Alas, we just didn't have the backbone to support a big pair of Hooterses.

I had been amply cautioned by many coworkers that the Loverlyland Hooters wasn't going to be like the Hooters you see on TV. See, I had never been to a Hooters before being as there has never been one anywhere I have lived at the time I was living there. They seem to build them just as soon as I move away, though the nearest one to San Schmose is still 25 miles away despite me having moved 8 months ago.

We waltzed in there and surveyed the land. There were a couple tables right by the drink station around which many waitresses were congregating, filling up drinks and bending down to get stuff out of the cupboard beneath the drink machine. I don't know what stuff, as I couldn't see what with all the bending down in hot pants going on in front of it. So, having been directed by the "hostess" to "sit wherever you want," we began to make a bee line for those empty tables by the drink station. Then, suddenly, Cavitation veers off course.
Me, CherkyB: "Whaaa?? Where are we going?"

Cavitation: "Over here by the windows."

Me, CherkyB (pointing and being confused): "Bu-bu-bu-but over there there's..."

Cavitation: "I don't like the regular tables. I like to sit up at the high tables."

Me, CherkyB, figuring maybe the regulars know something he doesn't: "OK."
Well, this Hooters had about 8 waitresses. We got the ugly one. I mean, all right, she wasn't like toss-your-cookies ugly. She just had a really gigantic head on a very small body, and she stood with her shoulders hunched forward which sort of accentuated her lack of talent in the restaurant namesake department. Picture Dave Mustaine, only as a girl. But she was great at bringing refills.

I got very confused when I was ordering and she asked me if I wanted to upgrade to fries as a side dish for $1. Fries are an upgrade? I took the potato salad. It was maybe 2 shot-glasses worth.

The food was pretty lousy. I kept looking around the room at all the guys in there having lunch and thinking to myself, "Self, look at all these perverts, in here paying too much for bad food just so they can ogle some young girls in tight pants and low cut T-shirts. What a bunch of pathetic losers."

But then I would notice that the table I was headed to originally had a waitress bending way over and squeezing her, um, arms together as she was taking their order. And I was angry. Angry that I had let Cavitation lead us astray. Angry that I had let some clearly inferior intellect steer us away from our goal. Angry that they offered "breaded" as an option for the wings, and my two companions has ordered them that way without even thinking about it.

Anger makes me happy.

So then Cavitation decides to talk about blogging, since between the three of us, we have four active and two dead blogs. He said, "You know that Something Not to Do post? I didn't get the ending. It was all good, but then I just didn't get the gums bleeding part."

I noted how I am always concerned that my humor is too obscure for most of my audience who, as we've well established, is a bunch of dullards. Then I said, "But the real test will be if Bozzetto understood it. "

Bozzetto immediately replies, "With CherkyB, I know it's always about [redacted]."

Hah! So my humor is not too obscure for Bozzetto, but is for Cavitation. Man, he must really be distracted by the move or something. First with the bad table selection and then with the bleeding gums.

I'm going to just say a couple words about Fat Camp. When we were at Lucky Joe's, there was a birthday party for some girl at the two tables next to us. She had like eight girlfriends and two dudes with her. The bar kept sending over free pitchers of wheat beer with lemon floating in it. By the end, most of the girls were up on the dance floor doing their bizarre modern western kinda stomping dance. There's a lot of pounding your feet into the floor, like if you had cowboy boots on, and then hopping in the air a bit. It's one of the funniest things in the world to watch a drunk college girl do. Then, on the other side of the dance floor, there was a couple of drunk lesbians who kept threatening to make out, but never quite got there.

And beer is only $2.50 a pint.

God, I love Fat Camp.


Nava said...

Hey, I got the bleeding gum punchline at first reading.
Apparently, not all your women commenters are idiots, Eh?

CherkyB said...

I didn't say they were idiots. I said they were dullards. But I wouldn't expect you to understand the subtlety of the difference.

Nava said...

As claimed here:
"I dunno. Most of my commenters are idiots. I assume that's because they are mostly womens."

No dullards mentioned.

Now, what does subtlety mean?

CherkyB said...

Oh, I see. You're digging way back to comments on other posts. Can you at least pay lip service to staying on topic?

Rob said...

The Hooters in Crapchester was way better for some reason...probably because of the 5 cent beers. And I obviously go to Hooters for a different reason...the great breaded wings ;-)

CJ said...

I had actually thought about "breaded" wings selection..

1) already had "naked" wings in Florida when wife took me to Hooters there for lunch.

2) 10 wings didn't seem enough and breading sounded like more food.

I like the wings since I am not as picky about having "authentic" Barfallo wings... Jim's Wings is more economical though. :)

JohnnyB said...

So did you convince Cavitation and Bozetto to never, ever make lunch decisions any more?

Ok - you were expecting bad food, but breaded wings & no view? that's just attrocious.