Saturday, March 03, 2007

Cavitation is better than Me

Everything was going positively like a normal Saturday - The Mrs. slept in very, very late and then when she got up decided to get a bug up her hindquarters about an inflatable planetarium at the Children's Discovery Museum that had a show at 11:30, so after she had a leisurely cup of coffee and a long, relaxing shower, she sprang the announcement on the rest of us that we were leaving in 45 minutes, and so we better all get ready pronto. See, I hadn't been allowed to shower yet, as I had to watch The Childrens whilst The Mrs. slept in and then had her leisurely coffee and shower. If I try to shower while she's having her coffee, she throws a hissy fit about how her entire day was ruined because it started out with too much stress, and then she pouts all day.

When it is my turn to sleep in, I have tried the coffee trick. It doesn't work. The moment my feet touch the floor I have baby duty so that she can drink her coffee in peace. "You don't even liiiike to drink coffee in the morning. You're just trying to aggravate meeeeee."

Well, the Discovery Museum inflatable planetarium stunk. HannahC liked it, but MaxieC got bored and started to yell. Not an angry, crying tantrum or anything. He just started to yell whatever came to mind. He was trying to talk louder than the presenter. The Mrs. had to remove him. They packed us in like rats, and we had to sit on the floor without leaning on the walls (as "the walls are the screen") for about 45 minutes. My back hurt.

Then, The Mrs. dreamt up more glorious wastes of time for the Saturday. We would go to Culver's for lunch (an hour), we would go to the library (an hour), we would stop at Home Depot to get grout sealer because I went to take a shower in our newly re-reconstructed shower which this time is guaranteed not to leak, and she wouldn't let me because I didn't seal the grout, but then when we got home (4:30 - 5.5 hours after leaving for a 45 minute planetarium show), she made me play with The Childrens outside rather than let me seal the grout, so I won't be able to use the shower tomorrow, either, and the whole cycle will repeat tomorrow, and I'll be lucky if I'm allowed to use the shower before July.

Anyways, after playing outside, The Mrs. decided to dump both The Childrens into the big master soaking tub. This is nostalgia run amok, as The Childrens used to be able to sit at opposite ends of the tub, but as they've grown, they've taken to treating it like a swimming pool with all kinds of splashing and yelling and etc. It is always, without fail, a disaster when The Mrs. puts them both in the tub. I myself never do this as, being a man, I am capable of learning.

So I'm sitting down on my butt in the family room having a beer and enjoying my first moment of peace since getting up at 5:30am with MaxieC this morning when I hear The Mrs. hollering her head off upstairs. "Stop splashing! Stop throwing water! Cut it out! Get back on your side of the tub! Don't throw that water! Stop it!"

Really, the usual stuff that one can expect when putting both The Childrens in the tub together. But then I think to myself, "Self, a wife is not one to take responsibility for her bad decisions. She is one to find a way to blame her loving husband for the problem. You had best get yourself upstairs to pretend you care and see if you can help out."

At this point, if this were The Man Show, we would be seeing the "You Can't Win Theater" banner.

I go upstairs. I take my beer with me, just to make sure The Mrs. doesn't think I suddenly care a whole lot.

She is standing on the tile deck behind the tub wiping up a giant puddle of water with a towel. She looks angry.

"Wash MaxieC's hair," she barks like a drill sergeant.

I grab a cup, tell MaxieC to tilt his head back, which he pointedly does not as he thinks I'm like his mother and won't dump the water on him if I think he isn't ready, and I dump the water on his head. He yells, jumps up, and climbs out of the tub onto the deck. I tried to grab him, but he is wet and covered in Dove soap slime, and he squirts out of my grip like a greased pig.

The Mrs. begins having conniptions. "Grab him! He's going to fall! Why did you make him climb out of the tub! Blah-de-blah-blah-blah!"

I climb up there, pick him up, and plop him back in the tub. HannahC decides to help out and throws a cup of water in his face. "Don't let her throw water!" The irony of me having come upstairs in the first place because of all the hollering about her throwing water is lost in the moment. Or perhaps it is lost in woman non-linear thinking. I don't pretend to understand.

I begin to wash MaxieC's hair. The Mrs. disappears, leaving me now in charge of the bath. Very clever of her.

I rinse MaxieC's hair. He puts his head down and lets the water run over his face. He screams, stands up, and starts yelling for a towel. There is but one towel. I grab it. HannahC jumps up in protest. This her towel, and she gives not a rat's ass if MaxieC is screaming about water in his eyes, her towel is not, not touching him. She is now shoving MaxieC back into the tub to keep him away from her towel, and I'm trying to save him and stop her, and, perhaps I am hollering a bit myself.

The Mrs. re-appears with a fresh towel. As I dry MaxieC's eyes, she says to me this:
"Cavitation loved his time alone with his children."
Oh really?

"Cavitation loved his time alone with his children."
Yes, but it's these children that are the problem.
Well fine then. Why don't you go off and marry him?
He only said that because his wife reads his blog, and he's a total suckup.
Go f-k yourself.
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7 comments:

wife said...

But the planetarium show was perfect - the pictures were from the H.A. Rey constellations book, which we're reading, and then they compared them to the constellations the ancient Egyptians came up with. HannahC is studying Egypt in great depth this year, so it was perfect, duh.

wife said...

You forgot to mention that our dear little boy was yelling out, "Shut up, you idiot."

CherkyB said...

Well, on the blog I like to pretend we're good parents.

FAT MOOTHER said...

Funny!!!!!

Rhonda said...

ahhh yes I remember those days...would it help if I said, this too shall pass and someday you'll miss it?
:)

Nava said...

I am guessing you did not give any of the vote-candidates answers.
Otherwise, you would have titled your post "Things Not To Do".

ellie said...

what I find strange with the coffee routine is that this coffee is decaf.