I was never that bad

Was I?

Last night, being Thursday night, I was off to The Duke for fat camp. I was embroiled in a gigantic controversy at work that spilled over into the evening via email, and I had to write a big long reply while I was still angry. That took until about 10pm, so I didn't get there until about 10:15.

Needless to say, I was the first one there. I called Spanky on his new cellphone to see what was with the f'k, as I had spoken to him 10 minutes before I left, and since he supposedly left about 5 minutes before I did and he lives 5 minutes closer. I had one of those damned Bluetooth moments when I tried to call. Anyone with a bluetooth headset knows what I'm talking about. I had the headset turned on when I was driving so I could talk handsfree, and I forgot to power down the headset when I got there. Then I was standing out on the patio calling Spanky, and the headset was in the truck about 40 feet away. Not far enough to lose its connection to the phone. So the call connects, and I get dead silence. I'm sitting there going, "Hello? Hello? Hey, Spanky, you new phone doesn't work. Hello?" Then I realize the stupid call is being routed to the headset in the truck, and it's like 20 button pushes to disconnect from it and get the handset to work again. So I hang up, do my 20 button pushes, and then call again. It rings and rings and rings, and I get voicemail.

So I guess the first time it went to voicemail. Fine. I call TommyO. Straight to voicemail on that one. No ring at all. So I'm all alone. I sit down. The chair is covered in rain water and my butt gets wet. I'm pissed. I go inside and get a paper towel and wipe off the chair. Then I sits and waits. I waits for the waitress, or Spanky, or TommyO, or for sweet sweet death to take me away. Spanky wins about 10 minutes later. Death takes much longer.

Then he wants to know if I got drinks yet. "No. The waitress hasn't been out yet." If there's one thing Spanky is good for, it's getting drinks. It's really his gift. He heads off inside for a minute, then comes back out and declares victory. Drink show up shortly thereafter. Victory is sweet. The waitress says, "Oh, these are for you guys. Why isn't it gin&tonic and a martini?"

So I explains how Spanky drinks only Guinness, hence the Guinness. And I often drink Jack and coke. And TommyO is the one who drinks martinis, but he is MIA.

She asks what "MIA" is. That might be why she's a waitress.

So we chats for a while, Spanky and I. Round about 11:00, TommyO calls. He wants me to get him a "Ketel One". I go inside to track down the waitress. I find her. She looks at me all serious and says, "The kitchen is closed."

Does that mean free fries?

TommyO waltzes in at 11:12. I remember the time exactly, cuz, being a smart-ass, I looked at my watch, tapped on the glass, shook it, and said, "Weird. My watch must be acting up. It says it's 11:12. Spanky, what does your watch say?"

At 11:32, exactly 20 minutes later, TommyO's phone rings. I know what this means, so I say "Don't answer it." He answers it.

"He's awake, huh? OK. Allright. OK. Bye."

"Uhhhh...I gotta go home. Zach woke up."

Dude, you've been here 20 minutes. And you're the dad. You do not need to go home.

He gives me the saddest look, and says he does.

Then he orders another martini, gulps it down, and leaves.

I was never that bad.