Saturday, May 20, 2006

I'm Blind! I'm Blind!

Well, technically I'm not blind. But it would have been helpful to have been earlier today.

As noted yesterday, The Mrs. sent me to the ballet with HannieC today. It was a children's matinee performance of The Little Mermaid. There were many things odd about this arrangement. First, it has always been The Mrs. that has taken HannieC to the ballet. Second, The Mrs. has always insisted that I chauffer her and HannieC to the performance, as it is downtown and parking is difficult. Finally, the performance has always been during MaxieC's nap time, and The Mrs. has always insisted that it was, "time he learned to go to sleep without me there." MaxieC has generally fallen asleep on the way back from dropping off the womens, and then promptly awakened when we returned home and screamed for mommy the entire duration of the ballet.

Today, however, I was assigned ballet duty. This because it was MaxieC's nap time, and he doesn't like to got tosleep without The Mrs. there. Finally, I had to drive myself, as it was MaxieC's nap time and would be too disruptive to the nap to have to drop us off and pick us up later. But, hey, who's keeping track?

After circling the globe looking for parking, we managed to find our seats with plenty of time. So much time, that I spent the next 5 minutes cajoling HannieC to go potty before the performance so we wouldn't have to get up in the middle. The bar was between our seats and the potty, and it was mighty tempting, but I was strong. And they charge too much.

While we were sitting in the truck in downtown traffic before the show, HannieC was quizzing me about my ballet viewing experience. I thought about it, and I said, "I think the last time I went to a ballet I was about 8. We went to The Nutcracker. I hated it. I never went to the ballet since then." And HannieC was all, "You mean it's been almost 30 years since you were at the ballet?" Yup.

Well the ballet, as it turns out, has not changed. And neither have I.

Today's production was seven acts. We were seated in the seventh row of the mezzanine, which is apparently Italian for balcony. The speaker for the sound system sat 3 seats to the left and one row in front, so we "enjoyed" quite good audio. Halfway through the first act, which featured a bunch of people jumping around dressed as fish a plants and whatnot, I was settled nicely into my seat, slumped slightly over to the left where my arm propped up my head from its perch on the armrest. I had my eyes closed, and I was drifting off to a happier place than the ballet. The next thing I know, the caterwauling of a man singing opera music blaring out of the speaker jolts me bolt upright. What in the hell? Oh, it's now the second act, the one that takes place on the Prince Eric's boat, and the prince is hollering about something while he hops around like a Mexican jumping bean. But wait, what is this?

Jesus H. Christ! He's wearing some kind of ultra-sheer spandex tights. And he's going commando in them. Aaaaauugghh! Aaaauughh! I'm blind! I'm blind!. I'm in the seventh row of the balcony, and all I can see is package. I thought about covering HannieC's eyes, but I needed my hands to cover my own. A codpiece would have been less obscene, and that's something you hardly ever hear.

At the same time I notice that the moms in the area are unusually quiet. The spent most of the time since we had gotten there continuously lecturing their terminally bored children to stay in their seats and stop running around, yet suddenly they are silent, as though caught up in some sort of rapture. They stare with wide eyes at Mr. Prince, Jr. I file a mental note about why it is that The Mrs. always takes HannieC to the ballet.

But then, a sudden change of events. He's decided to face the back of the stage for a bit. AAaaauuuuggghh!!! Man ass! Man ass! He should change his name from Prince Eric to Prince Phil. Prince Phil McCracken. I'm telling you here, he must have gone out of his way to get a custom-designed cheek-hugging set of tights, cuz it hugged every nook and cranny.

I regretted not hitting the bar at this point. But at least the woman next to me shut up for a bit and stopping telling her son to sit down. So he got to jump around and make his sneakers light up.

I kid you not, that was the most enjoyable part of the show.

30 years since the last ballet. I'm hoping to beat that record before the next one.


CJ said...

no wonder you had an issue with the nutcracker 30 years ago. That must have been extra painful back then...

CherkyB said...

I don't even know what that means.