HannahC get the facts of life

Tonight, HannahC and I were soaking in the hot tub after The Mrs. and MaxieC got out so he could take a bath. I looked at my watch and noted that it was about time for us to be getting out so that The Mrs. and I could watch a moovie together.

And that's when it happened. HannahC asked one of those eternal questions that children often ask about the facts of life. Gaaa! I tried to think about a way I could creatively not answer, but then I got to thinking about how all the recent advice says that if you answer honestly and factually, the child will generally be placated for quite some time.

I felt a little uncomfortable, given that most of what I know about this I learned on the internet, but I gave it a shot:

HannahC: "Why do you and momma have to watch a movie together?"

Me, CherkyB: "Well, see it's important that Mommy and Daddy spend time together without any childrens. And I don't just mean Mommy and me, I mean any mommy and daddy. "

HannahC: "Like, any married couple?"

Me, CherkyB: "Right."

HannahC: "So, not just no kids, but no other adults either?"

Me, CherkyB: "Yes."

HannahC: "Why?"

Me, CherkyB: "Well, you see, if mommies and daddies never spend any time together except with the kids, they start to kind of ignore each other cuz they end up spending all their time focusing on the kids. Then, eventually, Mommy will go, 'Hey. What do I need this guy around for anyways? I have my kids, and that's all I need.' Then she divorces Daddy."

Me, CherkyB: "Then, the Daddy has to move out."

HannahC: "Why doesn't Mommy have to move out if she the one who divorces you?"

Me, CherkyB: "Well, kiddo, that's not the way it works in this country. Mommy gets to keep the house and the kids and the dog and everything, but Daddy has to keep paying for it cuz Mommy never got a job in her life that could afford all that."

Me, CherkyB: "So Daddy has to move out, and then you childrens have to come 'visit' me at my little one bedroom apartment every other weekend. Except the court also awards about $4000 a month in 'child support' that I have to pay Mommy. So, after paying for the house and the child support, I'm left with about $400 a month to live off. So I have to live in some dumpy roach and rat-infested hovel."

Me, CherkyB: "Then one day Mommy decides she doesn't want her precious childrens spending every other weekend in a roach and rat-infested hovel, so she goes to the court with pictures of my place to say that you shouldn't have to go there. So the court takes Mommy's side and says I no longer get to see you."

HannahC: "But what if we want to see you?"

Me, CherkyB: "Well, Mommy won't want you to think it's her fault you never see me, so she'll start to tell you all kinds of things about how bad a person I was and how I never spent time with her or you, and how much better off you are without me, and how she always protected you from me. And after a while, you won't remember any different cuz you haven't seen me in a long time."

Me, CherkyB: "Of course, I won't say anything because I won't want to poison your relationship with you mother, cuz there's no point in you not liking either parent, and you'd have to live with her"

HannahC: "Oh."

Me, CherkyB: "So then, whenever I try to call you, you'll yell, 'How could you be so bad to Momma!' and hang up on me. And you'll go through the rest of your life being mad at me."

HannahC: "Oh."

Me, CherkyB: "Yeah, so we better get out of the hot tub now so that Momma and I can watch a DVD."

HannahC: "Yeah. We better."

And she climbed out of the hot tub immediately.