Saturday, February 21, 2009

I've lost my rye

Damn. I just poured two fingers. Where in the hell is it?


It was over there. I left it there when I fed the guinea pigs. And still no one has yet laughed at me calling them Italian-American pigs. If someone would just laugh, I could stop trying this joke.

My wife hijacked my day today, as often happens on a Saturday. See, I had just a couple teeny-tiny errands to run. First, I was going to buy The Childrens a new compooter cuz their old one is so dead. Second, I was going to stop by Sam's Club to buy a cheap-o cyclonic vacuum (which is $11 cheaper at Sam's Club than it is at Walmart) cuz the Italian-American pigs' bedding gets all over the rug in the basement, and I'm tired of cleaning it up with my $800 vacuum and having to change the bags all the time.

So, it went like this:
Me, CherkyB: "I want to buy a cheap, bagless vacuum for the basement so we can do a quick once-over every day and not have to change the bags all the time."

The Mrs.: "Ummm...OK. I need to buy some music."

Me, CherkyB: "Oh. There are lots of downloadable sheetmusic places."

The Mrs.: "I want to see it before I buy it."

Me, CherkyB: "Oh, well maybe we should find the local sheet music store."

[dum dee dum dee dum...looking in phone book]

Me, CherkyB: "It's on South College. Right near the computer store."

The Mrs.: "I have to go to JoAnn Fabric, too."

Me, CherkyB: "Ooooookaaay."

The Mrs.: "We can't go until MaxieC gets home. He should be home any minute."
He was across the street playing with his friend. Two and one half hours later, when he finally returned (at 3pm), it was time to go. On the way, The Mrs. started whining about how she forgot to eat lunch. Then she turned to me and asked, "Did you eat lunch?"

Like somehow I had left the house, eaten lunch, and returned without her noticing.

So I spent like 15 minutes at the compooter store (where they convinced me they could fix the old compooter for $60 probably, and if not, I'd get $40 of that back), then waited for 30 more for The Mrs. to get done at the music store, all the while with MaxieC bashing his stupid skull into me. I took both childrens to the dollar store next door to kill time. After about 15 minutes in there, The Mrs. showed up and announced that she had commissioned the guy in the music store, who was "a composer" to write her the music she wanted, since they couldn't find it in any of the catalogs.

Some version of Ave Maria for viola and soprano for Ellie's wedding.

God help us.

Great. Now it's like 4:15, and we're heading two blocks over to JoAnn Fabrics. Twenty minutes later, we're on our way to Sam's Club for our last stop. Right?

Wrong. We're heading to a pizza place for lunch.
The Mrs.: "Do they have pizza by the slice?"

Me, CherkyB: "They have pizza by the slice at lunch on weekdays. I dunno if they'll have it now."

The Mrs.: "Cuz I really need pizza by the slice. I'm starving. I forgot to eat. But I don't want to wait for them to cook a pizza. So they need to have pizza by the slice. I can't believe I forgot to eat lunch. Aren't you hungry? I'm starving. Why didn't you remind me to eat lunch? Did you eat lunch? You ate lunch, didn't you? I need pizza by the slice. Justine's is good pizza. I hope they have pizza by the slice. I can't believe you're not starving. And I can't believe you're so lazy that you won't eat lunch if I forget to make it. I hope they have pizza by the slice, cuz I can't wait around. I'm too hungry. Why aren't you hungry? Why didn't you remind me to eat? You know I need to eat or I get dizzy. And I'm starving for some pizza by the slice. You f'cker. You would just let me starve, wouldn't you? Maybe I'll just stop cooking for you from now on so you can see what it's like to be starving like I am. Bastard. I can't believe how absolutely lazy you are. You're lucky I cook for you at all, you inconsiderate lazy bastard. I hope they have pizza by the slice."
Of course, nobody has pizza by the slice on a Saturday at 4:30. So we had to wait for them to make us a pizza.

Then we were off to Sam's Club, right?

Wrong-o. Now we have to go to Goodwill because HannahC needs a Mad Scientist costume for something. I know not what. Probably Odyssey of the Mind.

And Goodwill is a mad house cuz they're having a 50% off sale.

But finally we make it to Sam's Club. Where The Mrs. takes the cart and won't let me put the vacuum in it cuz she needs "some stuff" and The Childrens want to ride in it. But I don't find out about this limitation until we're halfway back into the warehouse, where I am told, "I don't understand why you didn't get yourself your own cart. I need soup stock."

So I have to schlep my sorry ass all the way back to the entrance to get another cart in order to be allowed to use a cart for the ONE GODDAMNED THING WE SET OUT TO GET AT THIS STORE. And the lady at the door watches me as walk I out the entrance into the vestibule, grab a cart that is six feet away, and come right back in. And then she asks to see my membership card.

Now, of course, the entire day is gone. The Childrens don't have a compooter, cuz the repair guy wan't in that late on a Saturday. But at least I have my cheap-o vacuum. MaxieC and I amused ourselves watching videos from a TV show. We started with this one.


ellie said...


Anonymous said...

The tears are just rolling down my face! You think it is because of your witty writing? Wrong! The tears are rolling down my face cuz some caffeine free diet poopsiwent down the wrong tube while reading your post (ok I admit- I was starting to laugh, which caused the caffeine free diet poopsi to go down the wrong tube in the first place.)
Get a shopvac- you dont have to empty the bag and they really suck up stuff, but of course if the childrens use it, they just might suck up the rat, the toad and a lot of other unidentified critters.

paula said...

ummmm the sams here in Texas have pizza by the slice

CherkyB said...

Yes, but they don't have Justine's pizza by the slice. The Mrs. is extremely finicky about her pizza.