Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Devil Named Moo

In just a few short weeks, The Mrs.'s mother, Granny MooMoo (AKA Fat Moother AKA Flatulent Granny) will visit us for Christmas. You would think that this would be a joyous occasion, but of course, you'd be wrong. It will most likely be an occasion that will allow me to add to the ever-increasing list of posts tagged as "barf blogging."

However, something other than the non-stop barfing is on our minds today. It is MooMoo's propensity towards non-stop criticism of the parenting skills of the parents of unruly childrens. Now, you might say to yourself, "Why would this be an issue? After all, The Childrens are perfect little angels."

Perhaps. But many of you saying that have never spent a full day with them. Plus, one of The Childrens, the one we often refer to as "Darling Daughter," has some over-excitability issues that cause her to go absolutely bat-shit insane when there are visitors. Now we are all aware of her inability to contain herself around company, but it puts everyone a bit on edge. If we couple that with day upon day of intense criticism from her mother about the behavior of her child, this is a recipe for The Mrs. to go absolutely insane as well.

But, ever the gracious hostess, she of course takes this frustration out on me. After all, what are husbands for if not to blame all of life's shortcomings upon?

I am not saying this as a criticism, as I know that 'Billy gets irate when he senses I am criticising his sister in public, but I am saying this merely to lay out some indisputable facts in order to establish the background for the story I am about to tell.

Which brings us to something I like to call The Rule of Ones. (A takeoff from the medical term "the rule of nines," hence the plurality of the otherwise singular phrase.)

The Rule of Ones is very simple: I tell you what to do once. If I have to repeat it, it is an automatic Naughty Corner. Keeping with the official "rules" of naughty corner, I have to punctuate it with, "Now I've told you once. That's as many times as I'm going to tell you," in order to provide the required warning before invoking a naughty corner, but I plan to phase this out as The Childrens catch on.

I've explained to The Childrens that their behaviour is unacceptable, and that they need to be much better disciplined in general, and that this needs to improve a lot before Granny MooMoo visits or The Mrs. will go insane. And nobody wants an insane The Mrs. on Christmas.

So, last night HannahC was acting up at the dinner table after dinner. The Mrs. was telling her to go do something - I forget exactly what - and HannahC was arguing. The Mrs. was doing her standard, repetitive, "this is the last time I'm telling you, or it's naughty corner," that for some reason never ends in HannahC ever doing what she is told nor ever actually being sent to naughty corner. So I had to step in, pick up HannahC, and deposit her with a pretty loud thump into naughty corner.

I said, "OK. Momma told you once, and you didn't do it. Naughty corner," as I picked her up.

Perceptive little manipulator that she is, she yelled, "Noooo!!!! That's not our rule! That's MooMoo's rule!"


Anonymous said...

Bite Me!

Anonymous said...

That's a load. Moo moo had no rules. She likes to think she was a disciplinarian, but she was not. I still have quite the aversion to authority, although you wouldn't know it because I'm really nice. But, Granny Moo Moo is quite lovable. Every time someone goes batshit, just suggest they do crafts. That should work. Or just say, "You will eat it and you will like it." That's been my motto this week. Yeah right.

CherkyB said...

That line makes me think of prom night all over again.

Rhonda said...

cherkyb how did you end up with such a very cool family?!

Anonymous said...

Rhonda, you're kidding, right?

word verification: moters

Anonymous said...

I could always cash in my ticket and stay home if that's the way you feel about it........ I don't go where I am not wanted.

CherkyB said...

Oh stop.