Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Do Your Part for Global Warming

Since it seems that many on my blogroll [here and here] have been addressing the preposterous global warming "issue" recently, I'm going to share with you my sheer genius. But don't just take my word for it. When I shared my vision with the Instapundit, Glenn Reynolds, via private email, he deemed the approach "Brilliant!"

Though apparently not brilliant enough to warrant a quote on his exceptionally highly-trafficked site.

It's possible he was mocking me.

Or maybe he was just thirsty for a Guinness.

Hell, I'm thirsty for a Guinness, and I've got a Bloody Mary right here.

Oh wait. Now it's gone and I have a Yukon Jack.

Anyways, my approach to help reduce global warming:

Remember how, back in the day, the greenies were pushing for mandatory recycling. You remember why? Because nothing ever rots (or, in greenie-speak, biodegrades) in a landfill. Not enough air, not enough water. So, gods forbid you ever send a paper-product or any food waste to the landfill, as this destroys the environment.

Well, fast-forward to the present. Now, our biggest concern amongst those who don't have the intellectual acumen to study some useful field or trade after high school is the liberation of carbon from fossil fuels into the atmosphere. It's not the liberation of carbon, but the liberation of carbon specifically from fossil fuels.

Why is that bad? Well, because the liberation of carbon from fossil fuels, which represents less than 4% of annual global carbon-dioxide emissions, happens to be a primary source of "net positive" emissions (and more or less the only human-created net positive emission). See, the vast majority of carbon dioxide released each year into the atmosphere is from rotting organic material, but that material grew recently, and thus removed that carbon-dioxide recently as well. So its "net" effect is zero. Volcanoes release a hell of a lot as well, but since they are not human-caused, we can simply pretend they do not exist.

So, your greenies, who are by-and-large either simpletons or Marxists attempting to destroy Western society, say the only way to reduce our "carbon footprint" is to reduce consumption of fossil fuels.

I say, "Bah!"

We could, instead, figure out a way to remove excess carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. And what better method to do this than the ubiquitous landfill - a place so barren that no decay ever occurs. Take all your plant-product waste - paper, cardboard, vegetables, fruits - and bag it up into non-biodegradable plastic garbage bags. Then send it to the landfill to be returned to Mother Earth as an offset for the oil that has been removed.

Remember, it'll never rot. We learned that in mandatory recycling class. The non-biodegradable plastic bags will make "never" even longer (don't you love environmental "science"?) .

Your compost heap? Get rid of it, you anti-environmental global warming bastard. All that rotting releases carbon dioxide that needs to be returned to the ground. Bag that stuff up and landfill it, and buy 99 cent bags of cow sh!t at Home Depot to put on your garden.

Kitchen sink garbage disposal? Your water-treatment facility will put it in stink ponds with enzymes that will turn it into carbon dioxide. Bag up that waste and landfill it.

And the next time one of your idiot greenie "friends" starts in on you about global warming or not recycling, simply speak to them in the only language their simple minds can understand - sloganeering.
Today's garbage. Tomorrow's fossil fuels.


Rhonda said...

Your vision kicks ass!

Anonymous said...

This was a boring post. What are your views on trans fat?

CherkyB said...

I prefer my trannys to be on the thin side.