Monday, March 24, 2008

Swimblogging

So, I don't pretend to be an expert on religion, in general, or on any of the evangelical branches of Christianity. But I'm sitting here in the bleachers at the swimming pool while HannahC has her lesson, and a moms just walked in with a shirt that said "T.G.I.F." in big letters across the top, with the "I" dotted with a Jesus fish. Then, underneath, it said "Thank God I'm Forgiven." And another moms stopped her to tell her she loved her shirt.

OK, what is with the f&*k on that? When did pride stop being one of the seven deadly sins? Does anyone besides the papists even believe in the seven deadly sins? At my UCC orientation training, I don't remember them being mentioned. It's odd that Obama and I share the same "religion", though to be fair our church wasn't racist in a politically correct way. It was rabidly sexist in a politically-correct way instead.

Still, though, even if one doesn't accept the dictates of the seven deadly sins, isn't is a bit, I dunno, un-Christian to proclaim proudly on your T-shirt that you know how God will judge you upon your inevitable demise? Isn't that the least bit presumptuous?

Well, whatever. Good for you. In My Worlde, I worry more about forgiveness from my wife for perceived transgressions. Maybe I can make up a competing design that dots the "i" with a ball-and-chain. And maybe includes an additional line, "...for now."

Speaking of which, the next 24-hours of Vegas is coming up. My lobbying is going poorly thus far.

I went to the gym today, and I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, the last 10 of which I did uphill. Then, I did 75000 reps on the erg. My arms hurt. Then I went to the post office and I had to use both the self-service kiosk, and I also had to stand in line because I have an oversized package. I can't believe how rude the clerk was. But I still trust the government to take over my healthcare to take all that corporate greed out of it. I mean, have you ever compared the line at the post office to the one at the UPS Store? I was so angry I had to go home and sleep.

Oh wait, that wasn't me.

The Mrs. has been grouchy for a solid week now. I'm not sure what to do about it. Yesterday, I let her go in the hot tub all by herself for as long as she wanted. I let her take a nap while I took the kids out in the driveway to play with their new bike (MaxieC) and rollerblades (HannahC), and we even went for a walk around the neighborhood picking up trash. She was still, and remains to this minute, grouchy. If you are one of her relatives, you should call her and let her vent to you, cuz telling her, "Oh for f&*k's sake will you calm the hell down, woman," doesn't seem to be working. Yeah, I'm pretty much out of idears. Consider this a cry for help. I may have to start resorting to the CherkyB "winning an argument with your wife" technique soon.

While out in the driveway with The Childrens yesterday, I realized how in love I still am with a dead musician nobody ever heard of. So I wrote a poem about it.

Dearest dead musician
Why did you die
And leave me alone
With all these women
In my house?
Why did you come back
As Johnny Bravo
When you know
I don't get
The Boomerang Channel?
You bastard.

Oh wait, that wasn't me, either.

What I actually did was to spray down a gallon of Ortho CleanSweep, which kills weeds and keeps them from regrowing for up to 12 months. Oddly, a gallon of this stuff only covers 150 square feet. Hell, I can cover more than that with just one fart. I probably put it down over at least 250 square feet, and thus I probably won't be able to detect any difference in regrowth between the long-lasting CleanSweep and just regular old RoundUp weed killer. But, at least I can rest easy knowing that I am doing my part to poison the environment.

It might be more cost effective to run to Wyoming and pick up a bunch of M-80s and blow the weeds up. But, technically, that's illegal in Colorado, and I try to be a role model for my kids.

Wait. Was that me?

3 comments:

Rhonda said...

whatever happened to thank god it's friday? I like that more betterer.
or tom got icky foot.
That's pretty cool too.

I thought you had a treadmill?
oh well...

ellie said...

adversity drives you deeper into your art. you assume I'm much more liberal than I am. You should know that a business owner wouldn't think such things.

Evangelical Christianity, UCC Christianity, and Catholicism are very different. Just ask anyone who practices.

I remember when I was little I thought it was cool that I could commit a sin then be forgiven just b/c I asked. Prompted a lot of bad behavior. Well that, and too much fluffernutter.

CherkyB said...

You have an oversized package?